Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I am Thanatophobic

Do you have a phobia? As far as I know, every person has his or her own phobia. It may be one, two or even more. And for the past seventeen years that I've been existing here on Earth, I've, at least, recognized my phobias. Now I ask you... what and where are you afraid of? In short, what are your phobias?

I've thought of writing something about phobias since me and my friend have been actually talking about it yesterday. The specific topic was about the recent happenings, wherein she has noticed that a lot of her friends' and acquaintances' boyfriends passed away (prayers for them). And so the idea about my phobia has popped into my mind. It's because my phobia has something to do with death and other details related to it, such as cemeteries, coffins and dead people. I won't deny, it makes my knees shake and there came a time wherein I had some kind of paranoia about some nightmares and about the idea of death. Yes, I'm so scared about the said talk. I fear of dying and talking about death. According to what I have researched, I am Thanatophobic. It's the name of the phobia related I actually don't want to hear anything related to it. Perhaps I would have to cite too that last year, I had a somewhat traumatic state wherein I always cry to my mom and tell her I'm afraid to die, without a concrete reason for actually saying it. It's because I often had nightmares and night terrors, and even had dreams related to the said creepy thing. Until now, there are times wherein I randomly get scared and think about it. It's like I tell my mom, "I'm scared", then I cry. I tell her "Naiisip ko pa din", then she knows what I actually mean. Even my little sister. She knows what I mean whenever I tell those words to her. They comfort me whenever my phobia strikes me out of nowhere. I don't know. Before, there are times where I find it hard to sleep, and the things that I'm afraid to happen goes into my mind. That makes me cry and later on, I call my mom's name and wake her up early in the morning, I guess about 1 to 3 in the morning. At present, I'm glad that I've conquered my trauma with it, although from time to time I still think of it randomly. I'm so scared even with the least thoughts about it, and seriously, I don't want to talk about it. For now, I'm just sharing it since I remembered it a while ago.

My mom told me before that almost all people have weird thoughts about death. But then in my case, I find it hard to resist the thoughts about it that randomly goes into my mind. Whenever I've thought of it, I want to shout and make a tearful outburst in my mom or to whomever would surely understand me. At certain moments, it bothers me. Whenever that happens, I'm sure that people would see me shaking my head in denial again and again. Meaning, a big NO NO! I'm actually having the old thoughts about my phobia. But since I'm the kind of person who takes everything positively, I combat those thoughts with laughs and a happy mood. Yet, I would bravely admit that sometimes it does not work. That indeed, would prove that it is my weakness. That's why it's called my phobia. :|

Aside from that, I don't have any other significant phobias. It's the only thing that makes me go crazily gaga. I become a totally different me whenever the talk transforms into something that has to do with it. Every single detail, I swear, is a curse. I know it is inevitable that all of us would face it someday, but then I don't want to talk about it. PERIOD. I know it may sound weird, but at least I'm honest about it. After all, every one of us has one or more. But for me, I can say that for now, it's the only phobia I have.
I know that it may be hard for someone like me to overcome this kind of phobia. Some live by it even till they grow old, and never get the chance of conquering it. For me, I pin all my hopes that someday in my life, I'd be able to get over thoughts of it. As of now, these thought may bother me at times, yet I try to take it lightly. I'm thankful that I have people in my life that makes my life happier and more colorful. I know that as long as I put my trust to the one above, I will never be the under card. :)