I'm sitting idly in my sofa while allowing myself to get lost in this wild galaxy of mixed thoughts, full of pain laced with vast possibilities and hopes. I go back to the day I saw you. You had darker skin and was a bit skinnier than the last time we were together. Acting so far from your usual self. That very minute, seeing you in that state, my eyes refuse to believe that you were there, so close. I ached to touch you, but there was a strong sense that told me that wasn't allowed, so I remained silent and stayed pinned to the small spot where I chose to view you from afar. My chest burned with longing. But so I thought, you were still the same you, my love. That awesome entity who was (is and will be) mine, my beloved, the most familiar face in the world to me. Some things change. Some things grow. And #this love only gets more interesting amidst everything that was. ~gemmieloves
You're my honeybunch, sugar plum Pumpy-umpy-umpkin You're my sweetie pie You're my cuppycake, gumdrop Snoogums, boogums, you're The apple of my eye And I love you so And I want you to know That I'm always be right here And I want to sing Sweet songs to you Because you are so dear...
When I love someone, I try to delve into their own interests. Eventually, I take them as my own favorites too. Knowing what the other person likes or prefers. It means something to me. It's like trying to accustom your world to someone else's. And that is definitely something remarkable.
"I love the feeling of ownership that you give me. That kind of feeling that you don't let your pride rule in telling me those words that you are indeed afraid to lose me, or that I might find someone else. I love that you wrap me in your arms, telling me you don't want me to go. You are so lovable. Every single day, my feelings for you continue to grow."
"It's not everyday that you'll meet someone that you could see yourself doing things for their partner and you won't always feel the feeling of being loved and appreciated the way you wanted to be. You showed me that, and made me feel that way in just a short span of time, baby."
A little inspired because of binge-watching OITNB. My drawing's not yet done but yeah. Quoting some of the roller-coaster-minded Piper's best lines in OITNB:
"I was there for Alex. She was what I paid attention to. Who I paid attention to. Everything else was just background."
"I like hot girls. And I like hot boys. I like hot people. What can I say? I’m shallow." "In the morning when I wake up, there are these few seconds before I realize where I am, and then I do realize, and I can't breathe. And I want to cry, and throw shit, and kill myself. When does that end?" "
I am writing this now to express my feelings about how it is to support someone unconditionally even when they have not been entirely honest with you. I think it's pretty straight-forward that every single soul is entitled to the truth. One does not have to beg for it. It's not something needed to be imposed. It should be given, because why not? When could I finally stop implanting fictitious beliefs in my mind that I would never have to worry, nor doubt, nor have to decipher whether or not truth is what's in front of me? I'm getting tired of just standing there, waiting for answers to a million questions. In this world full of lies and pretension, I don't know where to rely to. Gut feel, eidetic memory, and whatnot. I do think that they do not play their rightful roles anymore. I moan great desire to be told things that holds true. Those that I could call "facts", not lies. Not presumptions. I need words that would embrace me so dearly, assuring me that this world, amidst being a treacherous place, can still nudge me to believe in something clear and uncontaminated. No gaslighting, no lying by omission, no secrets. When?
Howdy. Haven't posted in a long, long while. Gaahd! Hmmm. Not particularly due to the lack of motivation per se, just sorta, prolly. Perhaps I just missed that little nudge to post anything here. I seldom update my Facebook too, for one. Maybe I tweet a little in the past few, but just some "hiccup" tweets. Or rage tweeting, maybe. It's like, what do I blog (or blab) about here in that almost-two-months-hiatus? Nothing much has happened, aside from the infamous work-home and love/love-love/hate diagesis between me and the significant other (or whatever that's called uhduhknow) Some of those that have happened, I just opt to pretend did not exist at all. Some of them I'd like to revere. Some of them I deem unnecessary to keep up with dear sanity. Some of them I'd like more clarification on. Some of them are stories which I can hardly figure whether or not that's the book's last chapter, or does it suggest any eloquent postscript. It's already May but everything's still a blur. So yeah, come what MAY. That's all for now. A bit sleepy already here in my workstation.
Gaslighting or gas-lightingis a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting STOP. JUST.
This line of a song makes me feel uneasy in my chair.
You say "I love you" to someone you love, right?
Except if there's some dumb reason out there that stops you from spitting those words out.
Sorry, but I like this song less compared to others just bc of this line. Maybe it meant something else, but it really rings to me, that's why I skip my playlist whenever I get to that line in yellow. How sweet could it be to say how much you love someone when you do. Or it could also be the contrary - you opt not to say those bc there's a possibility you don't really feel that way. OR... it could also be that you love that person, but in a whole 'nother level. I pretty much cannot tell anything beyond these. I can't anymore.
Waiting for my office BFF. The waiting game is on. Ugh. My hands are still shaking. I badly need someone to talk to. Aside from the sweet thought of getting to catch up, this indeed would be a perfect deviation for now. SIGH I know I'm gonna get past this. Whatev. I cannot breathe since last night. (thanks to White Flower) Maybe I should just stop bothering. Stop thinking too much. It's hard when you value something/someone so much but you ain't sure on what ground you're in. You've set a choice on something/someone. You get consumed by everything it entails but you don't care, bc it's a sweet choice you've came up with. I stand for my choices, but I'm just human okay I get hurt too. I get jealous, esp. when I do not get enough assurance. But come to think how fucked up everything could be when you crave for someone's assurance, attention, care and love when to begin with, you aren't sure if you're entitled to them? How to deal with vagueness and a deadpan state? Some biased and less-likable ppl lurk and it's not helping. One day, you're all sweet and everything feels like Cloud9. The next day, you're unlike the person I was with just a few hours ago. What now? I cannot fathom how more fucked up my mind could be. They say, "It pays to care less". But only indifferent ppl do that. For almost more than a year, I gladly submerged (and continue to submerge) myself in your weird contradictions. I loved you for that (and more), and please understand that there are times when all I need is your affection and that "secure" feeling. You tell me I don't need to bother and be jealous, but pragmatically, do you think I choose to feel this way? Who does? This odd feeling crashes in without me knowing, leaving me helpless. It randomly strikes and it would make a whole lot difference if you were there, trying to console me and pacify my eristic sentiments. Sometimes, I just need you there. I know we don't fight before the way we do now, but that's part of #this. Yes, we got amplified type of arguments but what matters is how we get past all the issues. Again, sorry for that mishap. A long hug would not even suffice.
There's a fine line between being honest and suicidal in words.
More often than not, I end up being the latter. Perhaps now I need to be more selective with my battles. There are times that you need to opt for peace rather than proving you're right. What's the sense anyway? Ppl have their own view on things. How do you fight when you're not sure if there's something to fight for? I often find myself being radical to my previous beliefs. But I choose not to pin myself down for any mishap that might have been. Forward. Backward. Now I must halt. But how? Should I still stay where I am? I really cannot tell now. Everything is so overwhelming. And it's not me over-analyzing. Everything is just too much.
And yeah. I found this note, dated February 8, 2014. Yes, exactly two years ago. I don't need to disclose who it was from. It's pretty irrelevant (or obvious for some who knows me and the person who wrote it) I just wanna say out loud that I did not feel anything about this note. Not bitter nor moved in any way. I feel blank. Cold. Not affected at all. And that's not something everyone gets after a long relationship (yung iba kasi di maka-move on) Ppl often get me wrong. They think I still live in the past. In my past. You're all effin' wrong. This note is nothing but a random piece of blab. P.S. Walang forever.
- not in the mood (OK this is rare) - I don't wanna talk - I don't give a damn about you - hungry (or eating lol of course how can I chew) - throat hurts due to so much blabbing - waiting for something to be over/get done/to finish - disappointed - worried - did not get enough shuteye - over-analyzing a situation or some dumb shit - falling apart - broken or helpless - I don't like you or your presence - making a decision inside my head - setting some distance - hurting ...OR ALL OF THE ABOVE.
Okay. It's work week again. I've just started my shift for the day in just less than a couple hours, but I feel so fuckin' drained. This Swedish colleague beside me seemed to tell that I'm tired. He can plainly tell, though I don't suppose I look all haggard and ugly. (LOL) There's not much to work on for the night. I need to gather all my thoughts and all my shit together. There's just a lot going on right now. But I'm staying positive. And strong too. Ugh. This is all for now. I'm tired.