Monday, September 26, 2016

You're driving me wild

I'm sitting idly in my sofa while allowing myself to get lost in this wild galaxy of mixed thoughts, full of pain laced with vast possibilities and hopes. I go back to the day I saw you. You had darker skin and was a bit skinnier than the last time we were together. Acting so far from your usual self. That very minute, seeing you in that state, my eyes refuse to believe that you were there, so close. I ached to touch you, but there was a strong sense that told me that wasn't allowed, so I remained silent and stayed pinned to the small spot where I chose to view you from afar. My chest burned with longing. But so I thought, you were still the same you, my love. That awesome entity who was (is and will be) mine, my beloved, the most familiar face in the world to me. Some things change. Some things grow. And #this love only gets more interesting amidst everything that was. ~gemmieloves

Monday, July 11, 2016

This song.

You're my honeybunch, sugar plum
Pumpy-umpy-umpkin
You're my sweetie pie
You're my cuppycake, gumdrop
Snoogums, boogums, you're
The apple of my eye

And I love you so
And I want you to know
That I'm always be right here
And I want to sing
Sweet songs to you
Because you are so dear...

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

We touch I feel a rush
We clutch it isn't much
But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us
It's lust, it's torturous
You must be a sorceress 'cause you just
Did the impossible
Gained my trust don't play games it'll be dangerous
If you fuck me over
'Cause if I get burnt I'ma show you what it's like to hurt
'Cause I've been treated like dirt before you
And love is "evol"
Spell it backwards I'll show you

I'll do whatever it takes
When I'm with you I get the shakes
My body aches when I ain't
With you I have zero strength
There's no limit on how far I would go
No boundaries, no lengths
When I love someone, I try to delve into their own interests. Eventually, I take them as my own favorites too. Knowing what the other person likes or prefers. It means something to me. It's like trying to accustom your world to someone else's. And that is definitely something remarkable.

#gemmieology #lemonthought #love #cheesums
"I appreciate you. All your possible flaws, mistakes, giggles, jokes, smiles, sarcasm, sweetness plus plus. Everything. Just so you know."

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

"I love the feeling of ownership that you give me. That kind of feeling that you don't let your pride rule in telling me those words that you are indeed afraid to lose me, or that I might find someone else. I love that you wrap me in your arms, telling me you don't want me to go. You are so lovable. Every single day, my feelings for you continue to grow."
"It's not everyday that you'll meet someone that you could see yourself doing things for their partner and you won't always feel the feeling of being loved and appreciated the way you wanted to be. You showed me that, and made me feel that way in just a short span of time, baby."

Heyya Pipes!



A little inspired because of binge-watching OITNB. My drawing's not yet done but yeah. Quoting some of the roller-coaster-minded Piper's best lines in OITNB:

"I was there for Alex. She was what I paid attention to. Who I paid attention to. Everything else was just background."

"I like hot girls. And I like hot boys. I like hot people. What can I say? I’m shallow."

"In the morning when I wake up, there are these few seconds before I realize where I am, and then I do realize, and I can't breathe. And I want to cry, and throw shit, and kill myself. When does that end?" "

Monday, July 4, 2016

1336H

She had a chance, but she blew it. Che figata!

Saturday, July 2, 2016

1222H

I cannot be the person you ought I would be 'coz you choose fail to be the person you say you would be.

#smh #lemonthought #gemmology

Thursday, June 30, 2016

2348H

I may be off the beam, but you're the one who pushed me...

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

2308H


"And maybe I've done a lot of fucked up things in my life, but I've never lied to you...ever." 

Friday, June 24, 2016

2338H

Why can't some people refrain from acting as douche liabilities and get their crappy asses to where they should belong?

#randomrant

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Lie to me not

I am writing this now to express my feelings about how it is to support someone unconditionally even when they have not been entirely honest with you.

I think it's pretty straight-forward that every single soul is entitled to the truth. One does not have to beg for it. It's not something needed to be imposed. It should be given, because why not?


When could I finally stop implanting fictitious beliefs in my mind that I would never have to worry, nor doubt, nor have to decipher whether or not truth is what's in front of me?


I'm getting tired of just standing there, waiting for answers to a million questions. In this world full of lies and pretension, I don't know where to rely to.


Gut feel, eidetic memory, and whatnot. I do think that they do not play their rightful roles anymore.


I moan great desire to be told things that holds true. Those that I could call "facts", not lies. Not presumptions.


I need words that would embrace me so dearly, assuring me that this world, amidst being a treacherous place, can still nudge me to believe in something clear and uncontaminated. No gaslighting, no lying by omission, no secrets.


When?

Friday, June 17, 2016

1637H - The Heart Wants What It Wants


You got me sippin' on something
I can't compare to nothing
I've ever known, I'm hoping
That after this fever I'll survive
I know I'm acting a bit crazy
Strung out, a little bit hazy
Hand over heart, I'm praying
That I'm gonna make it out alive

The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear
You might be right but I don't care
There's a million reasons why I should give you up
But the heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants

You got me scattered in pieces
Shining like stars and screaming
Lighting me up like Venus
But then you disappear and make me wait
And every second's like torture
Heroin drip, no more so
Finding a way to let go
Baby, baby, no, I can't escape

The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear
You might be right but I don't care
There's a million reasons why I should give you up
But the heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants

This is a modern fairytale
No happy endings
No wind in our sails
But I can't imagine a life without
Breathless moments
Breaking me down, down, down, down

The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear
You might be right but I don't care
There's a million reasons why I should give you up
But the heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants

The heart wants what it wants, baby
It wants what it wants, baby
It wants what it wants
It wants what it wants

Friday, June 10, 2016

1740H

Working... working...

Missing a lot in my life right now.

I decided to submissively bury myself in this melancholic playlist.

On a contrary, these songs do not really sound dramatic at all.

Drake. Big Sean. Roy Woods. Jheine Aiko. Bryson Tiller. The Weeknd. These songs , uhh, let's say, unleashes that badass in me. And these songs keep me high and low in a weird kind of way.

Migraine is the least that I wanted, but it's low-key killing me, just like this strong affinity which I totally have no idea as to why it suddenly hit me. Jargonized or literal version? Come, figure.

Monday, June 6, 2016

1503H


Or that "friend" could be me, myself.

Digging deets through FB could be fun in its own way.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

2136H





Started reading this book and I'm loving it. ♥

2042H

'Cause baby sometimes, I can tell just by your face this part of us been gone for so long.
And I know there's no replacing what we had going on... for so long.

But when it hurts, I can make it better.
Girl if it works, it's gon' be forever.
We been through the worst,
Made it through the weather.
Our problems and the pain... (pain),
But love don't change

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

2224H

How come radical honesty has been taken as compulsive lying?

Ppl are twisted.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

0042H

I refuse to justify your insanity just to make you feel better about yourself.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Come what May

Howdy. Haven't posted in a long, long while. Gaahd! 

Hmmm. Not particularly due to the lack of motivation per se, just sorta, prolly.
Perhaps I just missed that little nudge to post anything here.
I seldom update my Facebook too, for one. 
Maybe I tweet a little in the past few, but just some "hiccup" tweets.
Or rage tweeting, maybe.

It's like, what do I blog (or blab) about here in that almost-two-months-hiatus?

Nothing much has happened, aside from the infamous work-home and love/love-love/hate diagesis between me and the significant other (or whatever  that's called uhduhknow)

Some of those that have happened, I just opt to pretend did not exist at all.
Some of them I'd like to revere.
Some of them I deem unnecessary to keep up with dear sanity.
Some of them I'd like more clarification on.
Some of them are stories which I can hardly figure whether or not that's the book's last chapter, or does it suggest any eloquent postscript.

It's already May but everything's still a blur.
So yeah, come what MAY.

That's all for now.
A bit sleepy already here in my workstation.

Sides.

Just like shapes.
Except for circles, yeah, shapes have sides. 
Just like you. Ppl have different facades, don't they?

Funny side. Sexual side. Emotional side. Intellectual side. Spiritual side. Soft side. Bitchy side.
Add them all up into one mafioso combination and be you.
That one you.
Make your own brand.
Pick your own choices.
After all, it is your life to live, not theirs.

xo~

Monday, March 28, 2016

1934H


With all that's up these days, I came across this just about two minutes ago.

I'm speechless.

I don't know.

Monday, March 21, 2016

1802H

How unfair could it be when you think you did nothing but love someone but still, what you earned were scars...

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

2329H

Keeping it under wraps amidst this era where everyone seems to scream and demand full disclosure.

2205H

I was ready for the worst before the damage was done.

2151H

Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.

Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
STOP. JUST.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

0340H

Hi, is everything okay?

NO, everything is not.

Do they still even exist?


Wednesday, March 9, 2016


♪♫♪

I'll do the melody if you do the harmony.

But most of the time, even if you don't, I still find that mandatory melody.

OUR. MELODY.
OUR. HARMONY.

This is a game for two. *gasp*
Now I feel uneasy in my chair because of those times that I feel like it's a battle of one.
Gahd.
Tipsy nights like this, and I know that this is not bc of the light apple liquor I sneakily consumed tonight.
I got a lot in my mind right now.
I'm in the constant attempt of keeping all of my shit together.
Where am I right now? Like, really?

Oh well.
** S I G H  **

I got roughly two hours here in my lax workstation. With me and my blanket, and this awesome HTGAWM sesh.

I need a breather.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

How many frogs are you willing to kiss to find your prince?

#lemonthought

Monday, March 7, 2016

Privacy shiz


Saw this earlier in my Facebook News Feed.
I just don't need a Facebook Privacy lockout.
I want privacy in my personal life.
I want people to stop assuming they fully know what's going on with me and all my shit as if it's their business to deal with. Fvck.

Friday, March 4, 2016

Layers.

Just like the earth, every individual has their own layers.
From time to time, you gotta peel to discover what one is made of.
For some fvckin' arseholes, you get a lot of layers beneath in just a short span of time.
Every time, you get surprised with what good and dark areas are beyond the naked eyes.
You peel so hard out of curiosity, and you end up wanting for more deets because you're one eager cat, delving into the inner core of one's hidden arena.
Some of those silly times, you peel so much more to see if there's that some kind of layer which you're hoping to see.
Now I'm in that deep, deep core.

How much deeper am I willing to explore?

Thursday, March 3, 2016

You don't have to say I love you to say I love you.


This line of a song makes me feel uneasy in my chair.

You say "I love you" to someone you love, right?

Except if there's some dumb reason out there that stops you from spitting those words out.

Sorry, but I like this song less compared to others just bc of this line.

Maybe it meant something else, but it really rings to me, that's why I skip my playlist whenever I get to that line in yellow.

How sweet could it be to say how much you love someone when you do. Or it could also be the contrary - you opt not to say those bc there's a possibility you don't really feel that way. OR... it could also be that you love that person, but in a whole 'nother level.

I pretty much cannot tell anything beyond these. I can't anymore.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

2044H

"I think it is lost.....but nothing is ever lost nor can be lost. The body sluggish, aged, cold, the ember left from earlier fires shall duly flame again." - Walt Whitman

I gotcha. ;)


Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Would you rather

- be the girfriend who knows too much? Or
- be the girlfriend who does not know enough?

Monday, February 15, 2016

Friday, February 12, 2016



She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take...

Thursday, February 11, 2016



2004H

With sweet agony and desire, I took the risk with this complicated, emotional wallop.

But still efforts do not seem to serve me well.

I must accept the fact that I am not the master of the consequences of my travail.

For every risky strike I have taken, I must have accepted that not every time, the recipient would discern the little steps for them.

Not every time, that love legatee of yours would be there to hold your hand.

Prolly this is way out of topic but yeah, lying by omission and by assent drags all my hopes down. Dunno, not that I've got trust issues. Well, even salt looks like sugar.

SIGH

*** Random shiz while staring at my monitor bc I cannot do much at work due to an obvious language barrier. ***

0336H


0333H


Wednesday, February 10, 2016

2256H

Oh, our lives don't collide, I'm aware of this
The differences and impulses and your obsession with
The little things, you like stick, and I like aerosol
I don't give a fuck.

And it stops there.

2242H

Gotta get away, make it happen
Whatever happened just had to happen

Open letter on a 4AM

Waiting for my office BFF.
The waiting game is on.
Ugh.
My hands are still shaking.
I badly need someone to talk to.
Aside from the sweet thought of getting to catch up, this indeed would be a perfect deviation for now.

SIGH

I know I'm gonna get past this.

Whatev.

I cannot breathe since last night. (thanks to White Flower)

Maybe I should just stop bothering.
Stop thinking too much.
It's hard when you value something/someone so much but you ain't sure on what ground you're in.
You've set a choice on something/someone.
You get consumed by everything it entails but you don't care, bc it's a sweet choice you've came up with.
I stand for my choices, but I'm just human okay I get hurt too.
I get jealous, esp. when I do not get enough assurance.

But come to think how fucked up everything could be when you crave for someone's assurance, attention, care and love when to begin with, you aren't sure if you're entitled to them?
How to deal with vagueness and a deadpan state?
Some biased and less-likable ppl lurk and it's not helping.
One day, you're all sweet and everything feels like Cloud9.
The next day, you're unlike the person I was with just a few hours ago.

What now?

I cannot fathom how more fucked up my mind could be.
They say, "It pays to care less". 
But only indifferent ppl do that.

For almost more than a year, I gladly submerged (and continue to submerge) myself in your weird contradictions.
I loved you for that (and more), and please understand that there are times when all I need is your affection and that "secure" feeling.
You tell me I don't need to bother and be jealous, but pragmatically, do you think I choose to feel this way? Who does?
This odd feeling crashes in without me knowing, leaving me helpless.
It randomly strikes and it would make a whole lot difference if you were there, trying to console me and pacify my eristic sentiments.

Sometimes, I just need you there.
I know we don't fight before the way we do now, but that's part of #this.
Yes, we got an amplified type of argument but what matters is how we get past all the issues.
Again, sorry for that mishap.

A long hug would not even suffice.

This would be all for now.

0015H

There's a fine line between being honest and suicidal in words.
More often than not, I end up being the latter.

Perhaps now I need to be more selective with my battles.
There are times that you need to opt for peace rather than proving you're right.
What's the sense anyway?
Ppl have their own view on things.
How do you fight when you're not sure if there's something to fight for?
I often find myself being radical to my previous beliefs.
But I choose not to pin myself down for any mishap that might have been.
Forward. Backward. Now I must halt.
But how?

Should I still stay where I am?

I really cannot tell now.
Everything is so overwhelming.
And it's not me over-analyzing.
Everything is just too much.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

If you don't have good intentions

Please just fuckin' leave me alone.
I'm tired.
SIGH

Monday, February 8, 2016

2256H - From Facebook memories



And yeah.
I found this note, dated February 8, 2014.
Yes, exactly two years ago.

I don't need to disclose who it was from.
It's pretty irrelevant (or obvious for some who knows me and the person who wrote it)
I just wanna say out loud that I did not feel anything about this note.
Not bitter nor moved in any way.
I feel blank. Cold. Not affected at all.
And that's not something everyone gets after a long relationship (yung iba kasi di maka-move on)

Ppl often get me wrong.
They think I still live in the past. In my past.
You're all effin' wrong.
This note is nothing but a random piece of blab.

P.S.
Walang forever.

2130H

Qué me dirá la noche si no sueño contigo?
qué me dirá la lluvia si no tengo tu abrigo?
qué me dirán las horas de esta madrugada si tú no estás aquí?
cómo le explico al alma que sin tus besos se puede vivir?

Pero que me dirá la luna cuando salga a buscarte
y no encuentre en mis ojos la misma claridad?
cómo le explico al aire lo que no puedo explicar

Aquí donde puedas verme
voy a esconderme de mi soledad
y si me encuentras prometo entregarte
mis ganas de amar 

2018H - When I'm quiet

- not in the mood (OK this is rare)
- I don't wanna talk
- I don't give a damn about you
- hungry (or eating lol of course how can I chew)
- throat hurts due to so much blabbing
- waiting for something to be over/get done/to finish
- disappointed 
- worried
- did not get enough shuteye
- over-analyzing a situation or some dumb shit
- falling apart
- broken or helpless
- I don't like you or your presence
- making a decision inside my head
- setting some distance
- hurting

...OR ALL OF THE ABOVE.

Holiday Monday

OK.
It's work week again.
I've just started my shift for the day in just less than a couple hours, but I feel so fuckin' drained.
This Swedish colleague beside me told me I look exhausted.
He can plainly tell, though I don't suppose I look all haggard and ugly. (LOL)

There's not much to work on for the night.
I need to gather all my thoughts and all my shiz together.
There's just a lot going on right now.
But I'm staying positive.
And strong too.

Ermm. This is all for now.
I'm tired.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Everybody has a chapter they don't read out loud...

And you're my lovely chapter that I wanted to shout to everyone about.

I just don't know when.

SIGH

2037H


Yeah.

Bc I'm photosensitive.
I cannot concentrate when it's too bright around me.
And...
I love it when it's dark. LOL

465th day

1 year, 3 months, 8 days...

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

2359H - Quotes 101


2334H - Drake and all 'em current ish

Drake playlist on loop.
Got some colds and some mixed-up thoughts.
But these songs I'm playing right now are helping me keep up with the now.

Had my first meal for today just a few seconds ago bc I had to take my nap once I got home earlier today, and almost all of my time gets used up on the road, really.

SIGH

Ok this is random.
I saw this online and I dunno if I am to laugh or what.




Oh well.
Thank you Drake for being there.
You lift up my mood. LOL

So yeah.
I got the need to wrap things up.
A lot has been going on lately, but I'm thankful that I still get to keep up with dear sanity. (LOL)
Everything may be excruciating, but I know anything that does not appear to be okay for now will soon be, just because.

Uh, yeah.
This day made me think that perhaps there's a reason not to discredit your gut instinct.
Like, hell man, that's not being a psycho (errmm) or fucking paranoia but being human makes us capable of being able to grasp shoddy shiz.

Oh well.

Cheers to better vibes.
Positive-thinking and prayers actually work.

... and a less-dramatic playlist also does a lot of work here, srsly. ♥