Thursday, February 18, 2016


"I think it is lost.....but nothing is ever lost nor can be lost. The body sluggish, aged, cold, the ember left from earlier fires shall duly flame again." - Walt Whitman

I gotcha. ;)

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Would you rather

- be the girfriend who knows too much? Or
- be the girlfriend who does not know enough?

Monday, February 15, 2016

Friday, February 12, 2016

She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take...

Thursday, February 11, 2016


With sweet agony and desire, I took the risk with this complicated, emotional wallop.

But still efforts do not seem to serve me well.

I must accept the fact that I am not the master of the consequences of my travail.

For every risky strike I have taken, I must have accepted that not every time, the recipient would discern the little steps for them.

Not every time, that love legatee of yours would be there to hold your hand.

Prolly this is way out of topic but yeah, lying by omission and by assent drags all my hopes down. Dunno, not that I've got trust issues. Well, even salt looks like sugar.


*** Random shiz while staring at my monitor bc I cannot do much at work due to an obvious language barrier. ***



Wednesday, February 10, 2016


Oh, our lives don't collide, I'm aware of this
The differences and impulses and your obsession with
The little things, you like stick, and I like aerosol
I don't give a fuck.

And it stops there.


Gotta get away, make it happen
Whatever happened just had to happen

Open letter on a 4AM

Waiting for my office BFF.
The waiting game is on.
My hands are still shaking.
I badly need someone to talk to.
Aside from the sweet thought of getting to catch up, this indeed would be a perfect deviation for now.


I know I'm gonna get past this.


I cannot breathe since last night. (thanks to White Flower)

Maybe I should just stop bothering.
Stop thinking too much.
It's hard when you value something/someone so much but you ain't sure on what ground you're in.
You've set a choice on something/someone.
You get consumed by everything it entails but you don't care, bc it's a sweet choice you've came up with.
I stand for my choices, but I'm just human okay I get hurt too.
I get jealous, esp. when I do not get enough assurance.

But come to think how fucked up everything could be when you crave for someone's assurance, attention, care and love when to begin with, you aren't sure if you're entitled to them?
How to deal with vagueness and a deadpan state?
Some biased and less-likable ppl lurk and it's not helping.
One day, you're all sweet and everything feels like Cloud9.
The next day, you're unlike the person I was with just a few hours ago.

What now?

I cannot fathom how more fucked up my mind could be.
They say, "It pays to care less". 
But only indifferent ppl do that.

For almost more than a year, I gladly submerged (and continue to submerge) myself in your weird contradictions.
I loved you for that (and more), and please understand that there are times when all I need is your affection and that "secure" feeling.
You tell me I don't need to bother and be jealous, but pragmatically, do you think I choose to feel this way? Who does?
This odd feeling crashes in without me knowing, leaving me helpless.
It randomly strikes and it would make a whole lot difference if you were there, trying to console me and pacify my eristic sentiments.

Sometimes, I just need you there.
I know we don't fight before the way we do now, but that's part of #this.
Yes, we got an amplified type of argument but what matters is how we get past all the issues.
Again, sorry for that mishap.

A long hug would not even suffice.

This would be all for now.


There's a fine line between being honest and suicidal in words.
More often than not, I end up being the latter.

Perhaps now I need to be more selective with my battles.
There are times that you need to opt for peace rather than proving you're right.
What's the sense anyway?
Ppl have their own view on things.
How do you fight when you're not sure if there's something to fight for?
I often find myself being radical to my previous beliefs.
But I choose not to pin myself down for any mishap that might have been.
Forward. Backward. Now I must halt.
But how?

Should I still stay where I am?

I really cannot tell now.
Everything is so overwhelming.
And it's not me over-analyzing.
Everything is just too much.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

If you don't have good intentions

Please just fuckin' leave me alone.
I'm tired.

Monday, February 8, 2016

2256H - From Facebook memories

And yeah.
I found this note, dated February 8, 2014.
Yes, exactly two years ago.

I don't need to disclose who it was from.
It's pretty irrelevant (or obvious for some who knows me and the person who wrote it)
I just wanna say out loud that I did not feel anything about this note.
Not bitter nor moved in any way.
I feel blank. Cold. Not affected at all.
And that's not something everyone gets after a long relationship (yung iba kasi di maka-move on)

Ppl often get me wrong.
They think I still live in the past. In my past.
You're all effin' wrong.
This note is nothing but a random piece of blab.

Walang forever.


Qué me dirá la noche si no sueño contigo?
qué me dirá la lluvia si no tengo tu abrigo?
qué me dirán las horas de esta madrugada si tú no estás aquí?
cómo le explico al alma que sin tus besos se puede vivir?

Pero que me dirá la luna cuando salga a buscarte
y no encuentre en mis ojos la misma claridad?
cómo le explico al aire lo que no puedo explicar

Aquí donde puedas verme
voy a esconderme de mi soledad
y si me encuentras prometo entregarte
mis ganas de amar 

2018H - When I'm quiet

- not in the mood (OK this is rare)
- I don't wanna talk
- I don't give a damn about you
- hungry (or eating lol of course how can I chew)
- throat hurts due to so much blabbing
- waiting for something to be over/get done/to finish
- disappointed 
- worried
- did not get enough shuteye
- over-analyzing a situation or some dumb shit
- falling apart
- broken or helpless
- I don't like you or your presence
- making a decision inside my head
- setting some distance
- hurting


Holiday Monday

It's work week again.
I've just started my shift for the day in just less than a couple hours, but I feel so fuckin' drained.
This Swedish colleague beside me told me I look exhausted.
He can plainly tell, though I don't suppose I look all haggard and ugly. (LOL)

There's not much to work on for the night.
I need to gather all my thoughts and all my shiz together.
There's just a lot going on right now.
But I'm staying positive.
And strong too.

Ermm. This is all for now.
I'm tired.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Everybody has a chapter they don't read out loud...

And you're my lovely chapter that I wanted to shout to everyone about.

I just don't know when.




Bc I'm photosensitive.
I cannot concentrate when it's too bright around me.
I love it when it's dark. LOL

465th day

1 year, 3 months, 8 days...

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

2359H - Quotes 101

2334H - Drake and all 'em current ish

Drake playlist on loop.
Got some colds and some mixed-up thoughts.
But these songs I'm playing right now are helping me keep up with the now.

Had my first meal for today just a few seconds ago bc I had to take my nap once I got home earlier today, and almost all of my time gets used up on the road, really.


Ok this is random.
I saw this online and I dunno if I am to laugh or what.

Oh well.
Thank you Drake for being there.
You lift up my mood. LOL

So yeah.
I got the need to wrap things up.
A lot has been going on lately, but I'm thankful that I still get to keep up with dear sanity. (LOL)
Everything may be excruciating, but I know anything that does not appear to be okay for now will soon be, just because.

Uh, yeah.
This day made me think that perhaps there's a reason not to discredit your gut instinct.
Like, hell man, that's not being a psycho (errmm) or fucking paranoia but being human makes us capable of being able to grasp shoddy shiz.

Oh well.

Cheers to better vibes.
Positive-thinking and prayers actually work.

... and a less-dramatic playlist also does a lot of work here, srsly. ♥

Monday, February 1, 2016

Love and other shiz.

Love is an enchanting thing.

Even Disney movies would have made you believe that ever since you were a child. You've grown fascinated with the wonders of this very powerful thing in existence. No one could argue with the fact that it is always a great feeling to love and be loved. 

We end up searching for the puzzles around us for that would make us complete and happy. We find love in a thousand forms. We find it from friends, family, and even pets. However, we're bound to have the glorious attempt of finding that one great love. The one that fits to their so-called "soul mate". (does that even exist? LOL)

If you're lucky enough, you get to get your soul mate in just one hit, like winning the jackpot in a Casino game. Some fall in love twice, thrice, many times and are still on the constant pursuit to find someone they can call "theirs". I'm not sure how others remain (and opt) not to fall in love at all. This "craving" to have someone to have and hold is something you got a control of - either you could toss away the very idea of it or hug it until you learn the art of getting numb. Being in love, as I may say, has got me all drawn into it (by experience) and has that the capability to invigorate all your senses. From that certain state where you seem to be totally disinterested, it can work its way to make you climb another level until you find it hard to halt. I ask you now, has this cliché killed you yet? It's killing me... little by little. And it's not easy. Nobody said it was, prick.

I should stop being hard on myself, knowing that emotions do not run like clockwork. It's pretty much unpredictable, and you go through some same shit from time to time. At one point, you're so excited and you feel ready for the next step, but shit happens, and you act worse than a musophobic trying to get out of a weird rat encounter.

One of the worst (and pathetic) excuses I've heard is that one does not have the time for you. For chrissake, I got to work my humble arse off having two jobs to pay the bills and others, but I never saw myself not having time for my significant other. If you're like me, you prolly choose him/her over sleep, over meals and whatnot. But just like any other, I'm no superhuman. 

We also reach those points when we burn out and break down.