Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Open letter on a 4AM

Waiting for my office BFF.
The waiting game is on.
Ugh.
My hands are still shaking.
I badly need someone to talk to.
Aside from the sweet thought of getting to catch up, this indeed would be a perfect deviation for now.

SIGH

I know I'm gonna get past this.

Whatev.

I cannot breathe since last night. (thanks to White Flower)

Maybe I should just stop bothering.
Stop thinking too much.
It's hard when you value something/someone so much but you ain't sure on what ground you're in.
You've set a choice on something/someone.
You get consumed by everything it entails but you don't care, bc it's a sweet choice you've came up with.
I stand for my choices, but I'm just human okay I get hurt too.
I get jealous, esp. when I do not get enough assurance.

But come to think how fucked up everything could be when you crave for someone's assurance, attention, care and love when to begin with, you aren't sure if you're entitled to them?
How to deal with vagueness and a deadpan state?
Some biased and less-likable ppl lurk and it's not helping.
One day, you're all sweet and everything feels like Cloud9.
The next day, you're unlike the person I was with just a few hours ago.

What now?

I cannot fathom how more fucked up my mind could be.
They say, "It pays to care less". 
But only indifferent ppl do that.

For almost more than a year, I gladly submerged (and continue to submerge) myself in your weird contradictions.
I loved you for that (and more), and please understand that there are times when all I need is your affection and that "secure" feeling.
You tell me I don't need to bother and be jealous, but pragmatically, do you think I choose to feel this way? Who does?
This odd feeling crashes in without me knowing, leaving me helpless.
It randomly strikes and it would make a whole lot difference if you were there, trying to console me and pacify my eristic sentiments.

Sometimes, I just need you there.
I know we don't fight before the way we do now, but that's part of #this.
Yes, we got amplified type of arguments but what matters is how we get past all the issues.
Again, sorry for that mishap.

A long hug would not even suffice.

This is all for now.

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