Friday, January 29, 2016

#this is not a diet plan.


...and there shouldn't be any cheat day.

Erratum.

All's twisted.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

La vie en rose.

I just suddenly recall that faithful day in a fancy spot in Makati. You were wearing some black piece of clothing and I failed to recognize who you were based on how you've disposed yourself the first time I saw you. I cannot vividly describe though how I first knew you. Everything was a blur. I don't even notice you on a typical day-to-day basis. Until one day, the way I see you totally changed.

I don't know what exactly pulls me closer to you. I guess I have mastered the art of figuring out whether you're hungry, pissed, happy, sleepy even though you often give away that idiosyncratic, inscrutable slash unfathomable behavior. I cannot tell. It's an enchanting crossbreed of the way you carry yourself. The easy way you laugh. That smile that leaves me bewitched. Your voice on the phone that leaves me cosseted. I can prolly go on all day here but there will never be enough words to describe how positively smitten I am with all these and more. I see more in you than what you and others prolly will, simply because I value you, unyieldingly, and the world is a better place since you've been around me.

You could have just given me a warm hug after our petty fight. Sometimes I don't understand you.

xo.

Me.

By random research and in-depth self-analysis, I think I am now able to define "me" more. And I love me. The new me.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Second chances.


Are we ready?

And yas.

I felt the difference. It was there. Something I was not able to feel for the longest time. Still... still. 

Monday, January 25, 2016

#clover

I can never fake happy. When I'm with you, everything is genuine. It's intricately amusing how each day unfolds, you and me together (though we're not really "together" together) but yeah. It's hard to define. But it's not about the struggle - it's what we gain from it. It would be pretty if we both would opt to work for the long haul.

I miss you. Ping me using the title above if you already read this. (I know you do visit my page often hihi) :">

YOU.

Make me blog more than ever. 40 posts by far just for January (this is the 41st actually lol). Maybe not all of 'em, but most of them pertains to you/somehow related to you/us/we/#this.

We prolly cannot get past it. We just got to find a way around it but we really haven't dealt with it.
Came across the realization that maybe, for some sensitive details of my dear life, I should have listened. I have shun everything around me, now realizing I should have looked more closely.

Nah, random rants/shoutouts/shit.
Aria: And why were you talking about your future versus our future?
Ezra: Because they may not be linked.

I know Aria, I know.

How a HOW becomes a WHY

When this thing started, it was more of a "how" than a "why". On the course of it, I disregarded all the how's and helped myself get accustomed to them, getting past all the inner and outer how's I bump into. Now I sorta admit that it almost leans towards more on the "why". Painfully tragic, it is.

Friday, January 22, 2016

"The rich girls steal, the pretty girls lie, the smart girls play dumb, and the dumb girls spend their days trying to be all of the above."

- Caleb Rivers, PLL Episode 14: Careful What U Wish 4

A sweet scene from PLL's Episode 13: Know Your Frenemies

Thursday, January 21, 2016

"...so, we don't go back. We go forward... together."

Ezra Fitz to Aria Montgomery, Moments Later, Pretty Little Liars

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

"I loved her against reason, against promise... against peace, against hope, against happiness... against all discouragement that could be.

— Alison reading to Emily in The Perfect Storm, Pretty Little Liars

... this line is just so sweet. 

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Are we a proper noun?

"Habal-habal"

What is "habal-habal"?

The "habal-habal" thing is said to be actually known in some provinces in the Philippines wherein motorcycles are modified with extended seats to be able to hold more people in just one ride. I've heard stories wherein some can hold more than 5 (most that I heard had 13! Woah) people all at once.

But around Makati and Taguig area where most ppl work, it's also a known form of transit, especially to those who are willing to pay a bit more just to get to the office on time and in a less-hassle way. The local version of habal-habal guys just accommodate one (or 2 at most) passenger/s for a reasonable price of P45-50, which isn't really bad compared to taking a cab which is more prone to getting you stuck in traffic and consequently late for work. I myself, for roughly 3 months now, is turning out to be a huge fan of this a-little-pricey-but-fun-and-fast-joyride. I actually recall that week wherein I kind of got addicted to the "feels" of getting to work via a motorcycle ride. I did not care even I pay more than twice compared to having taken two jeepney rides which is what I usually do.

I thank God for this awesome "new thing" in the world of transit. These fast kuya motorcycle drivers can really turn your almost 1-hour ride to  a 10-minute (or less) ride, despite the heavy traffic. You'll surely get to your office in no time. 

Took the "habal-habal" on my way to work today. Hihi



This is me smiling like an idiot, trying to take a decent shot while we're swiftly passing along Forbes area. HAHAHA!


... and this is kuya habal (LOL). 

So yeah.

If you haven't tried it, you must if you got any chance to. It's fun, I swear. LOL

Gaah!

I went to work last night just on my black slippers. When I opened my bag, I found out that I was not able to bring a pair of shoes. I suddenly remembered that we had to meet up with one of our big bosses. Phew, such a good timing to leave my footwear that would match what I was wearing. Good thing, I got this inside my locker. I left it last time after we had our #HatsAndTiaras party. 

Wooh! Pink stuff, you're a life-saver for today!


That feeling when you smell a distinct scent of someone who means/meant to you, and all the memories come rushing, leaving you helpless and crying...

Monday, January 18, 2016

I just likey this photo :P

:"> I just think I look slim here LOL ♥



In theory, we appear to be a lot more wrong than we are right. But if we wanna be real, let's forget about theory. I could prolly inhale a gallon of your weirdness and mood swings and everything else in between.

Letters from you ♥

So yeah. I got up waaaay earlier than I must this morning, and I decided to fix my stuff (as always lol). I came across good ol' stuffs I thought have been misplaced or were thrown away. I tried to make kutkot random thingamabobs I found inside my cabinet. Then I saw this:




This was given by someone really special. It may not be a really artistic version of a "drawing", but I super love it. This brings back a lot of mem'ries. "Hi, my nightowl!" *giggles*


We tried creating this simple checklist for us. So far, we ticked just some of it. We often end up doing something else whenever we plan to make some of these happen 'coz we're so random. This feels nostalgic. Oh, how time flies.

► Failed movie dates. (Soon? Dunno)
► Failed concert plans (Too busy, our budget's tight for those we opt for, or we're just plainly unavailable due to work demands and being too pre-occupied with our own shiz)
► Coffee date (more of random coffee trips or take-out coffee shiznits)
► Madami pang iba (hmmm, I look forward to this)

My favorite part is "Just the two of us"

Hihi. Reminiscing. 

We are lost souls; we have left everything behind. 

I am no longer Gemmie, the happy pill. Gemmie, the patient one. Gemmie, the dedicated one. I suppose that now, I must become more than any of those.

Friday, January 15, 2016

Everyone has their own kind of hiatus. It just differs on when, how often, how long, how deep, I dunno. Just saying.

[insert title here]

Maybe there are things better undefined for some period of time. Not all posters have their appropriate headings. Not all poems and songs have their rightful titles. Not all people are given the name they prolly would have wanted for themselves, just like the fact that some (or most) of my posts in this page is untitled. But they all do end up existing the way they were bound to be since the day they were formed on the mind of whoever started them.

It's just a matter of time. 
Sometimes, you aren't able to fix things. The only choice you have is to deal with it. Fixing it and dealing with it is way different.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Just a random thought.

I don't understand why some ppl settle for being broke douchebags instead of making sense in life and working their ass off to earn a living. There are a lot of sleep in death, so why waste too much time in bed?
Sometimes I think of moving to somewhere new where nobody knows me and live my whole life all over again.
I have this habit of randomly grabbing my phone and looking at my favorite pictures of you. I sooo love staring at them. I bet I look stupid right now, grinning like an idiot while I'm waiting for my food.

Aggghh! Spaghetti and chicken are on their waaaayyy... to my tummy! LOL

"Unhappiness is caused by comparison."

... as I randomly read in an online post.

I beg to disagree.

I don't know. I just felt like it did not sound right to me, so I made this note (LOL).

I think unhappiness is caused by yourself. Your own fucking self. Happiness can either be simplified or distorted in a million ways, and it's up to you how to view every single piece you encounter. Given the diverse people and circumstances you get a hold of everyday, I think you're bound to see them and consequently, end up with a comparison. As you observe, you get to differentiate. Whenever you compare, you see how things are alike and how they differ. If you take things positively, then comparison would not make you unhappy.

I suppose comparison is nice in its own way. Personally, it poses a challenge for me to see how things actually are, and if I end up wanting to have the same (or a better version of it) in my life, then the game is on. I enjoy good, healthy competition. It's a matter of your own POV. Having it on a positive note, comparisons can lead you to making the right choices. How do you think you're able to weigh your choices if you don't compare?

Nothing's wrong if you end up comparing what's out there. If you take it as a constructive boost in any way, then that would cause you some good. Be your own version of a happy, incomparable soul. 

xo. 

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

IF and WHEN

We aren't fortune-tellers to know what's up next. If I had the privilege to choose between the billion if's and when's available, I'd opt for the when's. It gives me a sense of certainty, unlike the crazy if's. "If" is something vague. Ambiguous. Without any assurance. And I don't like that. "When" gives me something to look forward to.

When then?

Monday, January 11, 2016

Just hold my hand and everything else will disperse and become meaningless distraction...
I like you so much more in your stolen shots rather than our intended selfies. I'm pretty much sure that no one else would ever see you the way I do, and I gladly enjoy the privilege of that and I'd like to be selfish on that part. Your profile pictures are waaaay different than how you appear to me. Your little quirks. Your weirdness. Your being you. But those pictures would not really make a great deal. I think I like it better when you're physically there, holding my hand.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Sunday thought

This is like a purgatorial state. We try to patch up things in the glorious attempt of having something better than what we used to have. I clearly see the ambiguity and uncertainty in this. Pretty ironic, huh? 

We cannot simply rely on time to do everything for us - I believe we don't have enough of that. We got to work for something if we really want it. But the questions then strikes, "What do we really want?" I'm often reminded of the storyline that's about to be revealed in a couple weeks. There is a weird mix of agony and wonderment in the thought of you going away too soon for some time to chase your dreams and I was willing to wait simply because I love you. Another sad thing is that I'm not even sure if you're gonna be there on my birthday this year.

So yeah. I think I got to lessen giving in to my whims of doing things for a person. Not that they deserve having less, but to give it to them as a sweet kind of "incentive" in case things would finally fall into place. 

I need to stop myself from putting (exceedingly, beyond) too much efforts for someone. I often end up being with someone who has major doubts whether they could reciprocate and I'm like, hello I'm not asking for anything. If someone really means to you, you would eventually end up reciprocating in the ways that you can. Naturally. Without any doubt or hesitation. It should be in sweet existence because why not?

I just think I'm being hard on myself. Having too much heartburns recently does not help at all as well. I need to stop a little. I'm just giving myself grace.

Gaah.

I got up early to do something I forgot to do last night because I was so damn sleepy. I suddenly realized that it's Sunday and it got me singing like, "Sunday morning rain is falling" (it ain't raining tho lol). I got a party to go to later. Good thing I was already able to hear mass yesterday (yaaass)!

I feel like I haven't had any decent sleep in the past few, just hard-to-buy-naps everywhere - in the jeepney, at my workstation, at the comfort room while peeing (srsly, don't laugh), at the church while I was busy praying for dear me and my broken pieces (lol the place makes me feel so secured and at ease) and other random places. So yeah. Then this morning, I woke up with mixed thoughts (is this even something new with me?). I taste bile. I really cannot understand how I feel. Recent happenings enjoy their little drama of fucking up with my already-fucked-up mind. Great. I'm now trying to think about my recent self. Am I on the brink of depriving myself or am I giving in to my whims way too much? I really can't plainly tell. Ugh. This is a sandstorm of all the shiznits I got recently. Ulk.

I need a break.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

One of the most important realizations I had about #us is that we never really have to move on...

WE OURSELVES JUST STOPPED MOVING.


And yes, things aren't gonna be the way it used to be. The way it used to be was perfect. But I don't aim for perfection. I believe we make a good team together, having our own flaws and differences, yeah we do argue like kids and even get to have the same issues over and over but so what? I love that we're crazy like that. That's what makes us #US. Now it's just a matter of holding on together, asking ourselves if we're still up for #this.

Friday, January 8, 2016

8th of 2016

2016 is on it's 8th day and I got to reflect how this year has been by far for me. Hmm. So-so, I think? I honestly feel like I'm at the borderline of that I-don't-want-to-care and that I-can't-help-it-I-fucking-do-care state. Unbelievable. This phase in my life is something undescribable. I can feel the worst pressure I had by far, if my memory serves me well. It's too much of a hassle to overthink about these fucking aspects in my own dear life and all that's going on during this 22-almost-23 (hah!) phase, but what can I do? I have grown accustomed to the thought of remaining my calm and staying positive even if it feels like a kick in my own ass. I've learned to build stronger walls, I guess, but I'm not sure I got enough of what it takes to be a survivor for this year. It gave me a tough start, but so what? I am tough (not sure at this moment if this is a statement or merely a self-booster I would like to muster lol)


I feel weak lately. I'm not much of a coffee person, so I'm pretty much sure that this is not something that a simple caffeine fix could mend (whutttss? Haha!) And oh I just suddenly thought! This day marks something that used to mean a lot to me before. This is a serious-yet-funny indication (and a subtle proclamation that hey past is past okay) of how things can turn all its way around in just a short span of time. And now that person in-connection to this specific date means nothing but nuts to me lol why do I even bother to mention that here oh well yeah I just thought so. Hmm. So there. I guess what I'm trying to point out here is that that my personal compass is not directed towards anything in the past. I wanna work things out for things that's bound ahead of me. That's all. 

2016, maybe I'm not ready for you, but let's do this!

xo

Nuff said.

She’s tried talking to you, but you won’t listen. She’s cried herself to sleep at night, but you’re not paying attention. She’s tried everything in her power to get you to show her you still care. The sad part about it is...you probably won’t see it until she’s no longer there." -Mr. Amari Soul

Thursday, January 7, 2016

/dɪsˈɪnt(ə)rɪstɪd/

I suppose I finally surrendered myself to the unwanted state of being practically clinical, unsentimental, uninvolved, and all other possible forms of poecilonym as per the above heading.

Jaded and unconcluded. Full of maybe's, prolly's and what-if's. I f I had a better chance, I'd opt to just feel nothing at all.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Lucky's Burger and Bar

I had a quick catch-up with a friend around Mckinley Hill and had late dinner together. At around 11-ish, I took my break and met up with this friend of mine who works just nearby, so we decided to take our office breaks together. It was a good experience trying a new place to eat, Lucky's Burger and Bar. I tried their Crispy Bacon and Egg meal and it was lovely! A must-try!



That phase

When you just don't feel like talking to anyone for a a couple days. Well, it's not because you're mad or anything. You're not in the mood for anything and you just don't feel like talking.

Yeah, I suppose I'm in that phase.

Maybe I should not stop.

Maybe I should.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

2016

It's just Day 4 of 2016 and I feel the pressure in my throat. Aside from the daily kick of challenges and non-optional misery in various forms, 2016 has laid me things which I think is outside the realm of reality. Pretty much a good start, huh?

To be honest, I don't feel well a couple days before 2016 came in. A lot of things are happening, and I'm not even sure I am able to follow. It's like a huge whirlwind. Everything is like straightforward gray in my head. I remember one night (just recently) when I was filled with thoughts and decided to drink alone at home and I ended up falling asleep in my wine like a lost soul. The next morning, I suddenly jolted as I opened my eyes and felt a pang of anxiety, so I stared for what felt like years at the painting that hung itself on our white wall.

Recently, a bunch of ppl have come to ask if I have a New Year's resolution. Through the years, I've pretty much avoided the slight hassle of coming up with a list of to-do's for the upcoming year. I think I randomly do it whenever I feel like it, not just when the new year's about to hug us all. 

A lot of ppl seems to be busy posting their New Year's resolution in different social media sites. I decided to come up with a list of things I'd like to do/accomplish this year. (Maybe not all but I hope to do most of them)

Hmm, where to start?
- Blog more
- Read (and buy) more books!
- Fix my legal documents (ugh)
- Travel to an underrated paradise 
- Make peace with everyone (for world peace lol)
- Get a place and move out (yaaaass!)
- Get inked (?) lol jk scared of needles
- Learn a new language
- Meet a lot of new ppl
- Buy a guitar (Lalala!)
- Stargazing
- Buy a new banduria
- Learn to drive 
- Go camping with friends with a bunch of marshmallows
- Try a haircolor I never had before
- Eat healthier
- Cook a very special dish for that special someone
- Go skydiving with the awesome one
- Watch more horror films (yaaaasss!)
- Go somewhere far - alone.
- Create a decal wall art at home (yiiiiee)
- Get a passport (for chrissake, I need one)
- Find answers to unanswered questions (wow how deep lol)
- Paint on a huge canvass (the Pollock style or whatev)
- Create a sweet scrapbook
- Spend more quality time with the fambam
- Enroll myself in one that would teach me something new (wew)

Well, what else?

I know there's a lot more, but that's prolly all for now. I look forward to knowing what's in store for me this year.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Grayscale

Sometimes, I think of giving up. The pain and the thought itself crushes me, and I'm not even sure if I'm close to being rational and logical. I don't know. I find myself falling too hard, too hard that I don't know already what I should do next. At the end of the day, I still choose to stay. Don't ask me if that's the right thing to do, I don't know the answer either. Do you? This massive bunch of struggle has its worth, but have I gone too far?

This morning, I had thoughts about us. About you, primarily. You were the last thing I thought of before I slept, and now my mind is filled again with thoughts of you.

I grabbed my phone and frantically dug through my almost-full Gallery. I rummaged it and clicked the most recent photo of you I took before the New Year. "I love this person", just that simple. In just one snap, that grayscale photo brought me back to being constantly reminded that the feelings I have for you is still there. My mind squeals at me sometimes to take a break and let you go, prolly take things the way you wanted and forget about the great things I planned for us. I ask myself if it's right to be in this kind of setup with you. Maybe to me it does not really matter anymore whether it's wrong or right. By impulse or by careful choice, it comes down to one - I choose you; over and over again.

Come here. Beside me. I love you. xx
Last night, I took a picture of you while you were busy laughing at something you saw online. You look so lovable. So adorable in my eyes. I honestly wanted to kiss you while I took that sweet photo of yours. I was slowly whispering, "God, I love this person". I suppose that would also be an awesome caption for those pictures, don't you think?

And now before I posted this short note, I was busily staring at your pictures. I took less than five pictures that moment, maybe four to be exact, all were you in a side view shot. I did not look away for even a sec. If only my stare can melt you down in real life, you're a melted ice cream now. Srsly. I just want to thank God that this person in the photos exist in my life. I feel so overwhelmed of the love I want to give you. I love you. 

Working on New Year's Eve

It's New Year's Eve, and I'm spending it here in the office. Pretty boring for most who'd hear about it, but I don't really mind. I like what I'm doing. (heehee)

Some maintenance guys in the office painted the walls. The smell was too bad that the guards floorwalked and gave free face masks.

Tadda! Here I am wearing one. Lol! 

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Bucket of change

 





This is me painting our wall with some white heavy pigment. For me, it symbolizes change. Change is healthy. Change is possible. Change is intangible, but it's real. There are changes you just have to accept without asking. Most often, you don't have a choice. Changes + choices + chances. 3 C's that could fuck up with one's mind. 

Oh hello wall, good for you, you get to have a fresh start. 


Looking good, huh! LOL!


Here's my left arm sprinkled with tiny drops of paint. Leftie's got painted here chyeeaaa! Haha! 


I enjoyed doing this. I remember when I was a kid and we used to stay at our old home, I've always wanted to try painting the walls but I was never allowed to coz I'm still young and I must just mess it all up. Now I really feel like a grown-up. Aside from being able to paint the walls myself, I handled everything including buying everything - from the buckets of paints to the brushes and thinner all everything.

Feels good to have this feeling of "change". And another thing, I feel like a guy today. Hah! 

That's all for now. Lalala!